“Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness we will discover the infinite power of our light.” - Brené Brown
As I mentioned before in Darkness Has Consequences I've dived into the world of darkness. I wouldn't know that I was too brave that I've dived into the darkness it until now because I've always had a habit where I would despise my powers. Unfortunately the darkness latched itself onto me like a leech latching itself on a skin tissue while I was exploring that dark world. Now, I know that I had to get rid of it by weakening it.
I've just started to learn more about Islam and I even started to learn Arabic from where I stopped. But with every step that I took, darkness started to defend itself by attacking me from every insecurities and lustful thoughts I could have.
For instance, 2 days ago I've seen a lustful dream. I was waking up on my bed with the exact pale-blue lighting as same as before falling asleep. My cousin and the person from work were in my dream both fully naked. That boy from work wasn't close to me that much. We've talked for once or twice and I didn't have lustful thoughts about him either because he was no where close to my taste in men. My male cousin and that boy was having a sexual intercourse right on my lower legs. I could only rise my head to look at them. Their legs were positioned towards me. I was able to see their genitals. That boy's penis was in my male cousin's hole. Then they started to float by slightly rising up in the air. Now they were coming towards my head. Their genital parts keep getting closer and closer as I struggle to stand up from my bed but my body were pinned down by some kind of invincible force. They stopped moving when their private parts were right on my face. That boy from work called my name and looked at me by tilting his head to my left side. I was looking straight to his face with fear. He was looking me with a biggest smile on his face but his eyes were black as the night. He said "Hey! You can lick from below if you want." I tried to talk back but my voice was on mute. As I slowly turned my head to look at their private parts, that boy starts to do the act. He was penetrating that hole with each thrust. As each thrust was getting deeper, my cousin started to moan but his moaning were like a whisper, like he wouldn't want to wake up my parents. My head started to rise slowly to their private parts. Part of me was warning me not to do it but other lustful part of me were too strong and I didn't want to stop. As my head were getting closer and closer, my tongue started to come out from my mouth. In the end, I startes to lick both his penis and my cousin's hole continuously. Then I woke up panicking. Every texture of their skin was in my mind and on my tongue. I've dealt with night paralysis before and defeat it but that was neither a night paralysis nor a night terror. Because night paralysis would make my body fully unmovable, yet in this dream I was only able to control my head. This dream was a strategical plan by the darkness that I was exploring. This was something else... something new. I must admit that realness of the dream was making the scene even hotter. But I'm aware that I must sacrifice every bad and dark habit of mine in order to weaken the darkness around me.
While weaken the dark side of myself, I need to amplify the power of my bright sight. My bright side is too small. That's why I'm facing with so many difficulties when it comes to weaken my dark side.
So I was exploring the TikTok timeline, I've been came contact with so many videos about Islam. So many foreign people revert to Islam and start their journey from scratch. They are learning as a beginner by firstly analyzing the Quran and I've seen their growth as they kept continue to learn the teachings of Islam from Quran. I thought "I'm born and raised in an Islamic household but I never analyzed Islam and Quran like the beginner people. Then why wouldn't I start to learn Quran like they were doing?" That was a brilliant idea.
And then I started to analyze Quran by taking notes in my OneNote workbook right after I've downloaded the PDF version of Quran. I was not only analyzing and thinking on the verses but also I was practicing my Arabic language skills. You see I've taken some notes about the Arabic language like alphabets, vowels, letter signs etc. Those past notes was so helpful when it comes to practice the Quran verses. I was shooting 3 birds with one stone! Also it's been 5 years since I've learned Academic English to reach to the C1 level and I didn't know that I was craving for an another language practice. So when I started to continue my learning on Quran verses, my will to learn another language transform this process from "wanting" into "an obsession". I was waiting for my day shift to end just to continue practicing and analyzing Quran. I've had no idea how this could turn into a such beautiful habit before I started to it. So I'll hold tight on to this process.
My Perfection project has 4 main labels and Practicing both Quran and Arabic language started to fill "PURE SOUL" label.
However, another label needs an instant attention now because I suspected that another problem had arisen; This problem is so huge that if I can solve it, I will have found so many solutions to my so many problems. Attention seeking label is "IRON BODY".
Problem is about my body. I'm obese and I weight over 140kg. I've been like this since 2017 and in last 3 years, my body started to change;
- Soft skin tissue of my body(like armpit or genital skin) started to become darker and darker and those dark areas is now bigger in size.
- I've been sweating like crazy and my body heat is too high. (I hate being sweaty so much that I'm avoiding any workout or exercise)
- My hair loss problem kept getting bigger and bigger. I NEED to get my old healthy hair.
- My muscle and bone endurance is so small that my performance about everyday activities produce pain in my body.
Until we meet again on another post. 😉
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