BATTLE OF HEART AND MIND - I

  

"There will always be a battle between mind and heart. Between the things you know and the things you feel. Between what you want and what you need. Between who you are and who you want to be. For some the battle goes on endlessly. We must wake-up each day to fight the good fight come what may. We are victorious survivors in our own brave way." - Anonymous

    It's happening again. Same old battle occurred again. At some point in time, my mind and my heart started a war against each other. During this war, my soul grew darker and my body grew weaker. At last, my heart won the battle and I started to give up on every good thing for the sake of my desires. I bleached and dyed my hair, I started to create porn accounts, I started to ruin every bridge between me and my friends. Now I'm a miserable human being who can't put up a fight against my heart. Addiction was born because of this. My heart is corrupted.

    Now I started to act with the Islamic knowledge and my heart is on every path that I wanted to walk on. For instance, I came to my favourite Hookah cafe with the purpose of studying Arabic language and Holy Quran but several hours got wasted on YouTube videos. When I finally said enough and tried to open my personal Laptop, a voice arose from the depths of my mind:

 -  "What are you doing?"
+  "We must study."
 -  "But it's too much work!"
+  "Watching videos is also a work."
 -  "But it's easy to do so-"
+  "Reading several sentences and taking notes about them also easy. We were doing on our University era without arguing on it, don't you remember?"
 -  "Well yeah, but it was in the past. We are a different person now."
+  "Past can be reversed by taking actions on future. You already know that."
 -  "We're not the person which we used to be. Every part of us had changed on the way. Reversing the past means losing all the new knowledge."
+  "This isn't correct and you know it. Yet you are lying about it. Reversing a past by tracing steps back isn't about a single way. There are multiple ways back to the points where the skills which we are aiming taking them back remains still and every path comes with everything which we didn't know before. But now we know them. We know what we can get so we're aiming only for the good skills by dodging the bad skills with the %100 dodging rate."
 -  "But this is so much work! We're tired because of all the problematic thing that happened to us."
+  "Yes, but we were resting for so many years and resting did bore more exhaustion. We were afraid of workouts because we were thinking that workout routine would create more exhaustion but the more we exercised, more energy we got."
 -  "But dream it, dream all the times that we will rest in our comfort zone. No one could hurt us. It's silent and dreamy."
+  "This way which you were telling is still beautiful and full of comfort but I'm afraid this way isn't the right one anymore. We will rest at our sleep with lots of comfort but then we will wake up swearing to the pain of quitting our sleep to put up a fight again. There is no turning back from this way."

     This kind of arguing occurs in every step. This is really a war. If you analyzed it well, you should have realized that the Mind uses long sentences with facts while the Heart uses short sentences with comforting corners of memories. It's almost like playing a chess and lowkey I hate playing chess.

     Even this battle exhausts me but there is no giving up anymore. Either today or tomorrow, we're gonna accomplish our most prioritized tasks and this will give happiness. In the past, this wasn't working but this time Allah is giving us power.

    Even by writing these lines, I'm making my moves against my heart because the progress which I'm making makes my heart uncomfortable. I'm trying to keep making progress because always a comfort will be born from the uncomfortable actions.

My main goals are;

 -  Quit smoking Hookah (Because every ending of a smoking session, I regret doing it but every stressful day I'm wanting to smoke Hookah again. I'm both addicted to it and addicted to the emblazoned actions/successes while smoking it.)

 -  Quitting Masturbating and consuming porn-related contents (Because every ending of a sexual session, I regret acting upon it by saying "It would be okay if I didn't do it. It wasn't necessary or obligatory though. I don't need that.") 

 -  Quitting consuming bad food/meals (I regret it afterwards but I'm too lazy to prepare my own meals. This has to change. I'm really fat and I don't like the way I look in the mirror anymore. The disgust I feel when I look in to the mirror becomes way more than the sensational feeling of eating fast-food.)

I'm repairing my mind and my mindset but my heart/nefs is too corrupted that it tries to fight with me. It is essential to conquer my body with my mind, not with the heart.