"The dark night of the soul is a stage of final and complete purification, and is marked by confusion, helplessness, stagnation of the will, and a sense of the withdrawal of God's presence. It is the period of final "unselfing" and the surrender to the hidden purposes of the divine will."
At last, I know what I must do. It's visible now.
Several years ago, my sister said "Get the fuck out of my house" to me and my mom.
Several weeks ago, my dad said "As long as I'm here, there will be no peace for you. If it's a peace that you seek, then get the fuck out of this house and go somewhere else." to me.
Today, my mom did a thing to me which was done to her by my dad 10 years ago. She wanted to buy a couch washing machine and she didn't even ask my opinion about buying it. She said "Since I'm not working in a job, you are gonna pay it monthly." It's like boiling waters came from the top of my head. I was shocked by things I heard from my mom. The price was not the problem because I've been paying her small *donations* since she wasn't working in a job but she bought a machine with my money without telling anything to me. Since I was working my ass off in a really hard job just to earn my own money and she didn't even try to ask me before spending my money!? How dare she? I didn't do anything near like this to her. I think I'm a very good person since I was asking if she would have been facing hard times because I wanted to ask money off her. I was such a humble good guy, eh?
This is beyond my rules and she broke my only absolute rule. Such audacity! She was my closest friend who I was sharing my secrets with and she did that?! My dad did this to my mom years and years ago and now she did this to me in front of me? Oh no. Somebody lost a friend.
My only sadness is for feeling lonely again but this time my mother isn't beside me.
It's time to level up guys. There will be strict rules from now on and the *helping with money* thing goes though the window into the garbage bin.
I'm so furious; she wanted that machine to clean the couches because my father's side will be coming to our home who she hates. Yet she cleans the house to make it look good. It doesn't matter if she is gravely ill, she will still do that cleaning. She is mentally ill about what other people will think of her and this time she doesn't have any money to do it and that's why she wanted to get from me forcefully. If she would have asked from me nicely I would have actually made a deal about it but she have chosen the worst possible way to get it.
From now on, she will not get anything from me.
My family makes me sick and I can't tolerate them anymore!
From now on, I will only focus on myself. I realized that I'm the only person that I have in this life. Very sad but true. Maybe Allah wants me to be prepared for to be able to live alone. Maybe there are plans that I don't know but what I know is that my mother was the only person left who is untouched by my family's evilness and now she did wrong to me like them!
Let's lose weight! Let's build muscle! Let's quit smoking hookah! Let's save lots of money! Let's learn how to live alone! Because when I will go and return from Army, I'll move out. I can't bear anything about them. They are all mentally sick people and I won't let them poison me either!!!
In all the hardships, depression states, feeling lost etc. my journey through Dark Night of the Heart isn't over. I'm really really really really REALLY TIRED! ENOUGH!
Today must have been the first day of my job break to treat my illness but nooo, minimum single bad thing will happen to me whenever I try to breathe!
By the help and protection of Allah, I'll glow like a lonely star again!
THIS IS NOT OVER YET!
WE'VE JUST STARTED!
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