I knew that so many good days were ahead of me. That's what the fortune teller said. But instead, I'm falling into darkness day by day. In every waking day, my unsuccessful weak attempts of healing myself is either making me walk without a progress or making me plunge into darkness more. I'm sinking into darkness more as I'm trying to stay strong. My situation keeps getting worse as these events occurs while I already have a curse which I'm trying to break. My days are numbered and I'm witnessing those numbered days are passing fast without having any progress on life. I can almost feel you all wondering what my curse is. Bisexuality of course!
With the knowledge of all my research and discoveries, I can clearly say that maybe there are several good features which this curse gives me but Allah gave me this embarrassing curse as a never-ending test. Having feelings for girls/women isn't a curse but having feelings for men is because religion of Islam condemns such things. In old times, this situation has been shown as betraying your own brother and just because a tribe didn't listen the warning of Prophet Muhammed peace be upon him, Allah's wrath has ruined that tribe. All that's left of that tribe was its ashes. As I know this story, I'm trying to break that curse but something sinister made my attempts unsuccessful. That thing is: Nefs.
As time passed, I'm being defeated by my nefs which connected directly to this curse. That's why it got difficult to break it. But I must warn you: I've just talked about winning against this curse but what I meant by saying winning doesn't mean getting rid of it because I've listened every story of people who was trying to get rid of their own sexual curse but results are simple: they did not succeed, instead they have lowered the effects of nefs by enforcing their wills over nefs's. They have reached to the limit of getting rid of it but they stayed at the limit because of the never-ending difficulty of this test.
The reason I'm calling this test as "Curse" is because this test comes to an end when your life ends in natural way: the points you may gain during this test are of course related to how much you can make efforts about it rather than getting rid of it. That's why I have to follow their steps. They made progress in this way by both controlling their nefs - emotions and doing daily prayers to ask help from Allah. As I have told you before I'm sinking into darkness by slowly falling down on my knees. By the knowledge from my muslim brothers, the time you must pray to Allah is the time you are on your knees with you all wounds and suffering. That's why I wanted to start to get fit by doing exercises and doing daily prayers. I think this routine is the only way that will save me from my own darkness.
My own older sister keeps digging my grave while other's sisters support them. For a long time, she doesn't want to become an adult and keeps bad-mouthing me to my mum.
"He is still young why are you telling him family matters? He wont understand!" She only wants to be told family matters. She is such a selfish prick.
"You are doing everything that he wants!"
Like what is she even doing?
She forgot what she had done to my father and mother. She gave us a big hard time by stealing 60000 currency from us. If she continues like this, I will break her heart by telling her every wrong thing she did but I'm holding myself. Like where was she when my mother had difficult times about paying the bills? My sister ran away when my mum asked help about money from her. She says bad things from my back with all of her past crimes, she can't do that! The audacity! She isn't perfect yet she judges me behind my back. She is a selfish fucking slut.
As this was happening, there was my grandma who kept turning my own home into hell. How can someone does black magic and then prays to Allah every freaking day?! Because of her, I couldn't be able to study in my own home and I'm angry in it while I'm happy in other places! If only she did black magic as a one person, we are living in the house where my grandma used to live and her sister-in-law was a crazy bad person. If that woman put a spell on my grandma's house, then it means that spell's darkness is still on our house. Those sihr mixture is affecting our family. It's a "Curse after curse" issue. May the Allah grants us patience. Because in these times that we are in are the dark times that we only have. I think mist keeps falling down.
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