CLEANSING: OF THE HEART

  

"You have been in shit for so long that it stopped smelling. So get out of there."

   There had been great increase to the proofs and hints about my spiritual growth. 

   Now I know that I've been in darkness for a long time. I used to think that if I could be in darkness, I can shine through it but it was the same story which I talked about the darkness and its consequences in my last writing, darkness really stuck to my surface to cover me completely so that light of mine wouldn't be shining anymore.

   In my lost past it was easier to work with the darkness because I was only working with small parts of the darkness and then analyzing it, taking notes and then putting it back where it belonged, but this time I was exposed to too much darkness. I couldn't do anything about it because I wasn't aware of it. To get many results, I began to study with darkness by increasing the amount of darkness each time. My eyes were blinded by the hunger for knowledge, and the more I studied, the more it clung to me.

   So now, all kinds of dark features are leaking out from my soul. I've told you in the darkness and its consequences about Artorias's situation and I'm still sure that I didn't fell into it but I've been corrupted in it. You see, my situation is really bad and I can only realize know. So it's too late for an evasion but we can still change it because every future path can lead to a better journey.

   And I also know from the proofs and hints that Allah calls me. Allah wants me to ask help from him and I've always been a man who wants to solve his own problems by himself but this time... this time problem is way too powerful to be solved alone. That's why I need to answer Allah's call.

   First of all, let's discuss what I meant by saying "all kinds of dark features are leaking out from my soul". So we know that I've been corrupted but my features and character also changed because of it;

1. I started to avoid shower for weeks, so now I have some dark skin tones around my armpits and private areas which is hard to get rid of it.
2. I started to swear so much. I wasn't swearing at all in my past and I was humble but now I'm angry af.
3. It's been difficult to organize and clean my room because whenever I'm using something in my room, I'm leaving it in the middle of my room. It feels like a waste of time cleaning it but I know that it affects my well-being.
4. I've been always horny from my high-school times to now, but this time I'm reflecting to people around me and this made my character naughty. This is really bad because people start to know me as I am.
5. I can't exercise because I can't see any progress so it's looking like a waste of time.
6. Hookah became an addiction. Now it controls me easily.
7. Time consumption had become a really big problem for me, so I stopped doing anything that took up my time. This affects so many thing: showering, skin care routine, exercising/doing workouts, preparing healthy meals for myself etc.

   So while I'm heading towards to Allah, I need to transform those features into good deeds for myself. All of those features passing from the same gateway: Nefs. I need to increase my willpower over Nefs. But there is one big issue: feeling exhausted and timeless. I first have to solve this problem. Even today I couldn't be able to finish tidying my own room but made lots of progress, yet I'm writing this lines with exhausted fingers and mentality while smoking hookah.

   But you know, the key point is to keep pushing and bending the will of the Nefs until it is finally broken.

   

   All I wanted to be peaceful but it looks like I have to fight through everything to my last breath. I wish to end this war gracefully with Allah's help. I want to take progressive steps and not falling back.