WATCHING THE ECLIPSE

"Babam'ın kuzenlerime iyi davranırken bana kötü davramasını hiç sevmiyorum. Babamın ve sülalesinin yenmesine izin vermeyeceğim!"

 

AMPLIFIED SCHOLAR OF THE GRAY TREES

"Dört gün… Dört gün… Dört gün…"

 

ALONE IN THE DARKNESS

"Ne olmuştu hayatıma? Gün be gün kaydıraktan kayarmışçasına karanlığın içine, daha da içine gömülüyordum."

 

MIST FELL DOWN

  

   I knew that so many good days were ahead of me. That's what the fortune teller said. But instead, I'm falling into darkness day by day. In every waking day, my unsuccessful weak attempts of healing myself is either making me walk without a progress or making me plunge into darkness more. I'm sinking into darkness more as I'm trying to stay strong. My situation keeps getting worse as these events occurs while I already have a curse which I'm trying to break. My days are numbered and I'm witnessing those numbered days are passing fast without having any progress on life. I can almost feel you all wondering what my curse is. Bisexuality of course! 

   With the knowledge of all my research and discoveries, I can clearly say that maybe there are several good features which this curse gives me but Allah gave me this embarrassing curse as a never-ending test. Having feelings for girls/women isn't a curse but having feelings for men is because religion of Islam condemns such things. In old times, this situation has been shown as betraying your own brother and just because a tribe didn't listen the warning of Prophet Muhammed peace be upon him, Allah's wrath has ruined that tribe. All that's left of that tribe was its ashes. As I know this story, I'm trying to break that curse but something sinister made my attempts unsuccessful. That thing is: Nefs.

   As time passed, I'm being defeated by my nefs which connected directly to this curse. That's why it got difficult to break it. But I must warn you: I've just talked about winning against this curse but what I meant by saying winning doesn't mean getting rid of it because I've listened every story of people who was trying to get rid of their own sexual curse but results are simple: they did not succeed, instead they have lowered the effects of nefs by enforcing their wills over nefs's. They have reached to the limit of getting rid of it but they stayed at the limit because of the never-ending difficulty of this test.

   The reason I'm calling this test as "Curse" is because this test comes to an end when your life ends in natural way: the points you may gain during this test are of course related to how much you can make efforts about it rather than getting rid of it. That's why I have to follow their steps. They made progress in this way by both controlling their nefs - emotions and doing daily prayers to ask help from Allah. As I have told you before I'm sinking into darkness by slowly falling down on my knees. By the knowledge from my muslim brothers, the time you must pray to Allah is the time you are on your knees with you all wounds and suffering. That's why I wanted to start to get fit by doing exercises and doing daily prayers. I think this routine is the only way that will save me from my own darkness.

   My own older sister keeps digging my grave while other's sisters support them. For a long time, she doesn't want to become an adult and keeps bad-mouthing me to my mum.

"He is still young why are you telling him family matters? He wont understand!" She only wants to be told family matters. She is such a selfish prick.

"You are doing everything that he wants!"

Like what is she even doing?

She forgot what she had done to my father and mother. She gave us a big hard time by stealing 60000 currency from us. If she continues like this, I will break her heart by telling her every wrong thing she did but I'm holding myself. Like where was she when my mother had difficult times about paying the bills? My sister ran away when my mum asked help about money from her. She says bad things from my back with all of her past crimes, she can't do that! The audacity! She isn't perfect yet she judges me behind my back. She is a selfish fucking slut.

   As this was happening, there was my grandma who kept turning my own home into hell. How can someone does black magic and then prays to Allah every freaking day?! Because of her, I couldn't be able to study in my own home and I'm angry in it while I'm happy in other places! If only she did black magic as a one person, we are living in the house where my grandma used to live and her sister-in-law was a crazy bad person. If that woman put a spell on my grandma's house, then it means that spell's darkness is still on our house. Those sihr mixture is affecting our family. It's a "Curse after curse" issue. May the Allah grants us patience. Because in these times that we are in are the dark times that we only have. I think mist keeps falling down.

BASIN OF VOWS

  

     I came to a local cafe next to my English prep-school to do the difficult homework given by my English teacher. I ordered a blueberry-grape-peach flavored hookah. While I was smoking my hookah, my male and female friends from English prep-school came and we started to study. I was doing the hard homework just because it was compulsory for the exam and I was too bored. My male best friend was also bored that he started to mess with my female best friend He was trying to annoy her. She was laughing first but then getting angry as usual. Then my male best friend left because he had work. Then we started chatting with my female best friend. 

    I told her about comments which was related to my oldest friend who I'm not friends with anymore in the fortune telling, I mentioned some other troubles of mine as well, and then she told me how annoying my male best friend was. Then she told me that there was something she wanted to tell me but it was a secret and other female friends of mine also knew this secret but she was afraid to tell me. I said, "If you tell me, I can help you with your problems, but if you are afraid to tell me and don't want to tell me, it's okay not to tell me; it's up to you." Then she said what she wanted to say, but she waited a little bit because she was shaking from excitement. Then she said it quickly; Dude, I'm in love with your male best friend; I love him. Then we started talking about it. I gave her some tips and advices, and she cried about my best friend's actions that he did and hurt her.

   Then I made a deal with her. I made her swear to keep this secret by pressing his hand on the Holy Quran and I said: "Since you told me one of your deepest secret. I should equalise this by telling you the biggest secret of my life." The old thing was happening again; my heart was beating like it was going to burst out of my chest and my hands started to shake with excitement and while this was happening, I gathered all my courage and opened the notes section of my phone to tell her (I couldn't tell it loudly in the cafe.) and I wrote the following: "Being Bisexual". She said "Are you really like that?" I said yes, but I was like dying of excitement because I tried to tell this secret to two people from my family before and it was a complete disaster. Yet, she is the first person I told this secret to. Then we talked about my secret and she asked me if I had sexual intercourse with someone and of course I said "No, I didn't." I said; I wouldn't lie. Then I told her that my Dark Side, which I was trying to restrain, was directly related to male love and that I had attached many other bad traits to it and distanced myself from same sex. She was surprised but said that I made the right decision. 

   Then I told her that I was in love with my oldest friend who I'm not friends with anymore and whom I hated, but by turning this love into brotherly love, I strengthened the bonds of friendship between that old friend and me so much that I could not break those bonds even now while I was trying to hate him. By the way, she was quite normal when she first heard this secret; she wasn't shocked. She said that she have had so many friends like me.