ABSENT DAYS

 

Hello again to you all. I've not been here for couple of months but I'm here now. 

   To be honest, it's been quite a special journey where I was being forced by the fate to not only discover but also figure out about my life, what I've been wanting for myself and my actual character development's needs.

   During this forceful process, I've been tested with so many doubtful, fearful, hopeful and joyful situations which made my inner strengths and weaknesses being unfold.

   I've been on vacation for 3 weeks and I'll keep being on vacation for 2 weeks from now too. I'm working remotely, that's why I can do this freely. My vacation had so many things like spending time with my family, playing online games, swimming etc. but the most important thing of them all is I've been keep having some thoughts about my life and those thoughts made me uncover things that I need to do or I've been doing. 

So most important things which were being uncovered to me are;

1. STEEL WILL:  My family won't understand me no matter how I try to explain myself or try to control them. They will almost always be same. The time I have figured out this, I became silent, saddened and felt lonely. This was a difficult pill to swallow. I've been lonely or feeling lonely for almost all my life. I've been always lonely as fuck. That's why I need to live my life lonely even though I'm and I'll be living with my family. I need to plan my everyday life just like I'm living in a house all alone. THIS will make certain things fall into place.
2. ECLIPSED KAIZEN:  Planning, developing and keep trying to become one thing --> a new character\identity. I doing that for lots of times during my childhood and teenage years but I was doing back then without planning; doing out of fear and terror to save myself from people. My childhood and my teenage years were just about being in a survival state. In spite of the fact that, some parts of me still in that state I'm fighting to get out of that state. To do so,  I have to create a new identity and try to become that. My experience is much better now. This identity node links STEEL WILL node to NUR node because it changes everything. ECLIPSED KAIZEN node is all about breaking my character down to its last atom and create a new one by using resources of old that break down.
3. NUR:  I have to strengthen my faith and my bond about my religion especially when I try to make myself reborn in ECLIPSED KAIZEN node. My long lasted researches about Islam really showed me that Islam is the one and only real religion. I've experienced so many things while doing my researches. I need to become fully transformed Muslim human. I have to go all the way.

   I have to figure out and take an action about lots of things but I think its time has come: what the hell am I going to do with my sexual life?! I'm stuck in between and I'm entangled to its wicked webs. I have to do something about it because whenever I get sexual life out of my life, things start to change for the good but when things really start to change with bigger results, I start to do sexual things again. This a vicious cycle and I. Have. To. Get. Rid. Of. IT!