"Sometimes Allah allows us to fall because there is something down there we're supposed to find.” - Boonaa Mohammed
It's been 2 months since my last stable post. Lots of things have changed since then. I've lost my path again but this time I started to lose myself as well.
I've become more self-aware yet unstable about core character improvement. My anxiety started to go up but this time I'm not depressed by it, I'm furious because of it.
Everything has first started when I got promotion at the end of January. I have got a raise that put a smile on my face. I was planning to send some of it to my mother's bank account but I delayed because I needed to calculate several debts and taxes before doing such thing. I shut down my work laptop on Friday evening to get a rest.
Then everything was OK for 2 days until the night of 04/02/2024. Me and my friends from my old team was talking that night even though there were couple of hours to work hours. We were talking about all sort of things but then we started to talk about jinns and demons. I've said couple of things about how to get protected and killing jinns/demons if they would come at me.
Then we went to our beds. It was 4-5 hours remaining to work hours and I decided to sleep those hours in order not to have low-performance during my day-shift but I only could sleep for two hours. Those two hours were the first time in a long time that I saw them and fight with them in a nightmare. It was so bad that when I woke up from the 2 hour long nightmare, I went next to my mom, told her what happened and then I prepared a bed right next to her to sleep besides her afterwards. I haven't slept next to my mom since I was a little kid and I know that I've been fighting with these jinns/demons in my dreams for a long long time. In all the low-risked dreams to the most dangerous ones, I've never been so afraid that I needed to sleep next to my mom because of those dream battles. This was the first time because I've never seen a dangerous dream which could affect my body even after waking up from it. This is the first time that during the dangerous dream, I was also been affected in the physical world. This was not good at all because first time being affected in both spiritual world and physical world in a dream at the same time means that my journey, discoveries and battles start to become more real and more dangerous than any threat before. I will talk about that dream once I finish drawing it because I need to use it as an image source on my post. So for now, I will not talk about it but when I post about that nightmare battle, I will put its URL in here >>> [URL-Link-goes-here]
When I woke up next to my mom, it was time for to get back to work. I picked up my water bottle and sat on my work chair. I opened up my work laptop and it showed this text: "There is no Operation System found on the disk. Windows can be downloaded again but beware, all of the information in the disk will be erased in the process." I canceled the installation question immediately. Then I searched internet for the solution but I couldn't be able to do anything since my laptop has a restriction system which can be disabled by non-other than Company's IT admins. I texted to one of the IT admin from my phone and I told him what happened. He sent a carrier to pick the laptop and I sent him the laptop in order him to analyze the system since it must be a cable problem etc. He texted me couple of hours later. He did everything that he could but he said that my laptop not only didn't have an active Windows code but also didn't have any data in it. It magically disappeared while laptop wasn't open for 3 days. There is no hardware damage or hardware failure and despite of all the restrictions that needs to be moved by an IT Admin, unbeknownst to anyone, disk has been erased mysteriously. There are no explanation from anyone about what happened. What would cause such thing to be happen without laptop's power? All in all, he needed to done what I've been afraid of. He reinstalled Windows. All the two and a half year worth of data is gone. All the notes, all the 9 month long software/coding project is gone. All the data that I made effort to gather has gone away and I couldn't stop it.
There were no explanation for this incident but I have some theories about the incident;
- It was all destiny's work. So it could be a patience test given by Allah.
- Destiny has aligned this incident with that dangerous nightmare to make me extremely confused about the whole process. So it could be an illusion test given by Allah.
- From that nightmare dream's energy which occurred while I and those demons were using immense powers to battle has somehow affected my surroundings. That immense energy could affect the work laptop since it's right next to my head.
I don't know the truth but think about it, think logical about the probabilities; if those dangerous nightmares can now affect me and my physical reality, then it could have affected my surroundings which means my work laptop has been affected by it.
My whole week has been spent by my efforts to get all the lost data back to my laptop but I could only be able to restore 15% of the lost data. Other 85 percent could be achieved either making effort in time or working with my friends from my old team. In both ways, recovery will be really slow and thinking about restoring my coding project... that project needs both lots of time and lots of brain power. Along that week, I was so hateful and angry that it affected my personal life. At some point I started to think that I'm becoming more and more evil, this is not the goal that I wanted to achieve. I was not mad at my mother because I was controlling my anger until a thing happened between me and my mother that made me both furious, sad and energetic.
I was tired of all the efforts to restore 15% of lost data and I was ready to chill on weekend. My niece and my sister decided to come over and we planned to spent time with each other on weekend. Saturday afternoon my mom started to complain about new health issues that will cost more money and since she wasn't working on a job, she wanted money from me and I delayed it until Saturday afternoon. I said that I won't be sending her money next month while I was sending her a 35% of my income for this month. She became furious. I've been sending her money for 6-7 months and each month the money she wanted from me started to bigger and bigger in numbers. Before this year's end, I need to save money for a big thing and it gives me fear, anxiety and depression because I'm thinking that if I could not save enough before year's end. We started to argue. I told her about my anxiety about that topic and she didn't understand because all she was saying that if she finds a job, she will pay me the debts and even take a loan to add a money on my savings. I confess that I couldn't be able to save anything until today because my money went to my needs but clock is ticking and if I don't start saving now, then it will be too late later. But life and destiny are full of unexpected events and incidents. I can't trust my mom about money issues. She said some words that destroyed me. She said "You didn't save money until this day and now you want to save money when I have so many depts to banks?!", "I pray to god not to make me want to rely on anyone including my children." She acts like I'm a villain and she is planning to take a loan to fulfil my want but what if she won't be able to job? What if she will be so ill that she couldn't work anymore? I had to guarantee my savings and health issues have no guarantees on Destiny's plan. Then I said "I can't believe what my ears just heard. How could you say something like this to me?" I was devastated because she was planning on the money that I was making by working my ass off again! This is the second time that she has planned such thing.
I finally know that I'm completely alone in this life and I must be alone because I'm good to myself once I'm alone. My dad didn't thing good to me like he did to my sister. He offered a freshly-built new home to her and then he said to me that our oldest house which have so many traumatic memory for me is mine. That old, painful house is mine while my sister and niece have the freshly-built new house! I can't believe how little I mattered to him.
[ 1 ] My dad and me have became total strangers because I matter not that much to him and he treated me bad for all my life in spite of the fact that I was giving him chances for him to build our father-son relationship but he made it worse each time.
[ 2 ] My sister wasn't always beside me. It was okay though because I got used to feel lonely but she was always at the center of our lives bot emotionally, money-based and trouble-based. All the attention that I needed went to her and she is still like this and she also treated me bad. Nowadays, she fully devoted herself to Islam and started to try being a good person. It's working but I can't trust or love her anymore. It could be 'water under the bridge' but it's not for me. I've suffered many times and I can't heal myself fully.
[ 3 ] My mother started to become more and more toxic to me. I've focused on her moves and I realized that my mother didn't treat my sister as bad as treated me. Whenever I argue with her, she chastises me like I'm a 5 year old child. What could I for her to stop her treating me this way? Should I also marry and leave in my own house? Should I have a child? Oooh but I know what I must do. I 've always been a close friend to her and sometimes relationships without certain distances can lead a person to be mistreated. I need to have develop a huge distance between me and my mother just like I did to my father and sister in order to gain certain worth. My mother had been treated bad by huge quantity of people in her life for decades and I was always wanted not to be the one who treats her like this as well but I hate to admit that sometimes a decision which can make us feel like shit has a huge possibility to bore a fruit: a positive outcome.
They didn't change for along time. Some of them started to change while others stay the same but nothing fully healed my inner child-self and they want my unhealed inner child to love themself like this. Now I'm changing as well in the pitch darkness again and not knowing what I'm evolving to scares the shit out of me. Please, I need to be stronger alone without turning into an evil human.
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