CORRUPTED ONES - I

  

"Being traumatized means continuing to organize your life as if the trauma were still going on—unchanged and immutable—as every new encounter or event is contaminated by the past."

    After an exhausting week, I played some games with friends from work. Then, I lay down on my bed and started to think. I knew there must be something related to why, how and when I stopped exercising and got fat. There must be a reason for it. My dream was to get muscular and be good looking man. How and why I ended up giving up on my main dream? Then I started to relive my past life by thinking about it in order;

 -  I started exercising at the end of 8th year of my school when I was a kid. I was exercising with my friend near my house.

 -  Then I started to go to High-School and that friend of mine was not a friend of mine anymore. I started to do exercises alone.

 -  My father started to be hard on me to make sure I was going to the GYM but I was losing interest in it. I was playing football with guys from school on every Friday evening and I was going to GYM 3 times a week. There were lots of physical activity going on. I wasn't achieving anything when I was going to GYM.

 -  Then on the last year of my High-School, me and my father had argued about so many things and he left home afterwards. He didn't come home for a year and I was happy about it.

 -  After my father left the house, I changed my school and I stopped going to GYM. I started to focus on my school works and University exam instead. Those were lots of brain work BUT I achieved success at school. No one was forcing me to study, I was choosing it and I became successful. The whole year passed on with lots of brain exercises but zero physical exercises. At the end of the year, I weighted up to 115KG. I was an obese. I lost so many confidence and I started to hate my appearance.

 -  When I graduated from High-school and started to go to University. My clothing, my fashion, my confidence on my body was zero. I didn't want to exercise because I was sure it would be a waste of time since I hadn't achieved a thing about exercising. I wanted success in my University years and the only path I knew that could lead me to a success was brain work and I chose that of course. 

   It's obvious, isn't it. I stuck on a loop where I had no experience to achieve good in GYM. It's almost like a shir. Therefore physical activities got out of my life. I haven't been exercised for 7 years. Now I'm all rusty.

   But here is always an opportunity to rise in bad situations and life is a two sided medallion. That's way I say I can start from the scratch because I'd been beginner for 7 years. But you see, my mindset about physical activities is corrupted. Whenever I wanted to lose weight and gain muscle mass, I failed because of that corrupted mindset of mine. There had always been a chance to either heal or destroy and create new mindset. I did this in my other traumatic experiences and one or two became so well. So what I mean is there were several processes where I healed or created a corrupted mindset. This one can't be healed because of all the traumatic events which corrupted it. To heal means to battle with those events. I have to destroy the current mindset and create a new one.

   When I'm ready to create a new one, I have to prevent experiencing past knowledge. I have to come up with new resources and ways. I thought several paths to do this;

 1]  I have to forget everything I know and start from the scratch because those corrupted and unsafe memories ow working out in GYM needs to be cleansed with freshly made new memories. Otherwise those memories will be an obstacle for me to not run or even walk on my path.

 2]  Having fun, not doing a criticism and being an engineer of that work! What I mean is developing and then using techniques to feel confident on that work!

 3]  In the beginning of my job era, I was preparing healthy meals for myself. I have to do it again with my own way.

   One plus advantages of this plan is that I have treadmil in my room next to my work table. I can walk or run while working on my job. This has to work because I am sick of being same for 7 years.