CROSSPATHS OF POSSIBILITIES

  

"Keep going. You're almost there and remember, the sun is most beautiful as it's going away. Never curse a fall. The ground is where humility lives."

    Today was a failure. All the times that I studied for my University exams, I have sacrificed something for my own good. Yet, it didn't matter. All the hardships, all the sleepless nights and days, all the declined game nights... those sacrifices were for my exams. But today, my own body betrayed me. 

    All the days that filled with physical activities, my body was okay but today, my legs had cramps at the point where I was so close to my exam center. I couldn't be able to keep walking. It was a matter of time that I had to rest on a random university bench. I watched my phone's clock as my time ran out. Then I started to watch the freezing rain splashing to my face. This cold and rainy weather, this moment of silence and this moment of loneliness was almost like therapeutic event for me. 

   Was this all I could have? Whole 2 weeks of study lost to a single cramp. I thought about all the things that happened to me. All the people who did bad things to me got away with something better. And all I had was a good job, couple of loyal friends and a comfort zone. Don't I deserve better things? All my dreams started to run away from me and I can't stop them. I'm stuck in so many loops and my energy keeps decreasing. I fear my energy will be no more if this continues like this. 

   All I can see is a view of crosspaths with battle fields and inferno like flames. That view is in me. I'm exhausted because of all the non-stop battle which took place within me;

• I chose a path:   I'm trying to be better with my ongoing presence but as I try to do that I'm sinking even deeper. It's like a swamp which devours me slowly. 
• I chose a path:   I'm trying to forget everything ever happened but I'm losing my experienced view for future threats. Thus I'm blindfold.
• I chose a path:   I'm a hunter in a thick fog who wants to take a revenge on people of past. I shot arrows to those mirrors which have silhouettes of them but they reflect arrows to me. I'm wounded.
• I chose a path:   I'm naked on a hot thick tar filled surface. For every judging thoughts of myself, my clone in flames takes one angry step towards me. I'm burning with hatred.
• I chose a path:   I'm in complete darkness. Everything is silent. Where should I go from here? I'm lost.

...and the list of crosspaths goes on endlessly.

   I'm thinking about all the possible decisions and their outcomes. All the different paths in a view of tree... all the changes I could make... Would it be different? Would it be better or worse?

   After every rageful tantrums and devastating catharses, there was me in the middle of the eye of a storm with a calming yet exhausted presence. I don't know how to keep going. I don't know the way.

   I'm just... 

                            tired.