DARKNESS HAS CONSEQUENCES

  

“When you gaze long into an abyss the abyss also gazes into you.” 

- Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche

   There are vast majority of discoverable things in all places. I've been experiencing bad things since 2007 to now. Darkness was always around me but I was trying to get away from it. So I used to wander in light until 2013 where I've started to High School. Every bad thing has repeated itself in there. So I started to change. I was a pure, soft-hearted young man. Then I started to become corrupted: I used to have lots of wrath, I used to hold grudges and I used to feel hateful to those who did wrong to me. I was using that raw rage to shield myself from evil and transform that rage into willpower. 

   Then I started to think about colleges. That last year of my High School, my relationship with my family and friends started to become worse and worse. My father was a rageful man and from then to now, I still can't understand the rage of him. I've never did wrong to him, yet he was angry to me in little details. So, I started to reflect only 1 percent of my rage to him. We fought and he left the house for a year.

   I had won the university exam and I was ready to start to my first ever university but I wanted to go to prep-school to improve my English. That one single year of prep-school from its teachers to new friends was the most delightful and enjoyable year of my among my all education experiences. I was still using my rage to be successful at my lessons and it was working too well to be true.

   Without a blink of an eye, prep-school was over. I went to home to show my 4 brand new success certificates to my family. There was a family gathering and I firstly showed them to my father. He looked to the certificates and said "Okay" while handing me back my certificates. Then he walked to my male cousin and put his arm on my cousin's shoulder. He started to praise my cousin's successful educational years in front of the whole big family. I just looked at them with a disappointed feelings. My father was always like this. I was always successful but he didn't proud of me. My wrath kept raising by those acts of him.

   I started to first year of my real university years. I was still using my raising rage to not sleep to study my lessons. Lots of days, I was crying in silence. Somedays, I was screaming and swearing when there was nobody but me at home. I was rageful, in pain and broken. I couldn't accept the way I treated. I couldn't erase my past and that suffering kept continuing.

   Last year of my university, my rage, my coffee and energy drink intake wouldn't keep me awake. In that darkest years, I was searching a way to be awake to study or work. Then I discovered something in that dark... something I've been doing but not overdoing it. Overdoing was the key but I didn't know there was a consequence to that dark way. I started to consume porn-related content nonstop. Whenever I consumed the content, my body kept releasing adrenaline. That adrenaline was never going away. Even at some point, I could be immune to the effects of coffee/energy drink but that porn-related adrenalin was impossible to be immune to. It was working really well. So I kept doing it for years but shielding myself from evil wasn't working with that darker technique. So besides that darker technique, I also kept using the dark rage technique.

   I graduated from university and then I started to look for a job and study for the next part of my education. Even then I kept doing both porn-related and rage related techniques. I spent two years about searching for a job and the next university degree. I spent two years with those both techniques. During that 2 year process, my suffering from friends and family continued and became worse. I used those two techniques for every problem that I had.

   Finally, I've started to my second university. I was studying from home but my hope for finding a remote job was ended. In that hopeless 2 week, my friend reached out to me and said that there had been a job which if she have recommended someone to work for them, she could have gain some sort of money. In spite of my country's low rates of finding a job, my friend reached out to me to offer a job. I immediately accepted it. I started to that new job. At first, it was really hard to learn the job because the knowledge of the job was tremendous. I was watching and studying 10 videos each week while I was trying to study my lessons. Also the job required to work on evenings and midnights which means it was a night shift. It was really really difficult for me in every way but I kept using those two dark techniques for my sleep schedules and my relationships with humans.

   7 months passed really quickly and I was becoming strong in my job by using those two techniques. Unfortunately, something was wrong. My sexual life starting to go bad and my rage keeps getting smaller and smaller. I started to push those two techniques to its limits but it wasn't doing anything. Dark Rage technique made me hungry for a peaceful life and I couldn't be able to find the peace in my toxic environment which made me even sadder. Dark Porn-related techniques made me unwilling to any sexual thing and even my body's capabilities started to change: I was cumming too quickly, I couldn't be able to find any sexual energy in my body. So my maximum limits of my rage and sexual desire has diminished for eternity. 

   Now, I'm writing these lines today. My rage's and sexual desire's maximum limit is still low. I've been trying lots of things to reverse that effect on my maximum capability but nothing has changed. My maximum limits on that two situation is still low. Back then, I didn't know that there could be an eternal consequences for using those two techniques. No one has ever taught me about these things. I was just trying to survive through everything. How would I know? To survive through everything I used everything. I used things from light and from dark. I have used whatever I had found and that dark techniques corrupted me.

   At first I saw and got away from that darkness. Then I decided to remain still in that darkness. I found unknown teachings and techniques but I decided to use only two of them and now I'm suffering the consequences... same as Knight Artorias who fell into ABYSS which consumed him afterwards. I didn't fall into it, I decided to remain in it. So it was my choice which means that I've not been consumed but I've been corrupted instead.

   Now Allah calls me. The light calls me. I'm addicted to darkness because I've only known one way to keep me safe but that way isn't working for me any longer.

   I'm trying to be someone else who will wander in light and being a new person will cost me my past self. Now I'm struggling to pull the leaches of past from my body, heart, soul and mind. But I trust my path. I won so many successful battles and lost few. I know I will win this battle too. 

   Even in the blinding light, I still want that dark, I still miss that feeling of being in that dark just like the Egyptian Lady of Underworld. It was always like this and It will always be like this too because that's what it is. That's what addiction is. Addiction makes somethings parts of your character and those parts will remain with you forever. That parts will never go away because it has consequences: Darkness has consequences...